This journal began as a means to share Corey’s progress. It has manifested itself into a document that represents how we deal with our own emotional, spiritual and psychological recovery as we watch her personal journey to heal. In essence, it’s a coping tool. This document chronicles a family healing as well as affidavits from our family and friends offering their love and support.
I want to share something about yesterday. There is a saying, ‘cry me a river of tears’…well, yesterday was the day. Our area received at least 4-6” of rain and I’m sure that the local rivers overflowed because I added my own tears to the daily downpour. Five months of emotions poured out in a few hours. No need to worry or become concerned, this was a natural healthy response to a life changing event. It was bound to happen.
What you didn’t know was I actually had to argue Corey’s return to Bryn Mawr. My emotional resistance was low. The conversation I had with the staff professional caused my guard to crumble and I hit the wall. I allowed the mourning, anger, resentment, sadness, fear and exhaustion to be felt. It was blatantly obvious to me that loss is easier to take than injustice. I felt defeated and ready to give up.
Corey’s nurse entered the room to find me with my face in my hands, sobbing. I was unaware of her presence. She sat across from me and placed her hand on my shoulder. She sat with me for 40 minutes allowing me to “feel” the emotions. When my vision cleared, she looked at me and said, “Hold onto God even when you think He’s not holding on to you…because He is”. She told me that “He is crying with you”.
Her comment reminded me of a suggestion a friend shared with me. I was once counseled that in times of distress, envision myself hanging from a cliff, dangling. Feel the exhaustion and fatigue in my arms. Then envision two hands cupped, held directly below me. Let myself fall because the Hands will cushion my fall and cradle me. It’s an exercise that will help me learn to trust in faith and hope. Trust in unconditional love, like an infant naturally trusts its parents to cradle them.
I share this experience because of the value it added to today…a New Day. The emotions from yesterday were more than I thought I could bear. One person’s words gave enough comfort to hold onto hope. “Once we have hope, it can never be reversed. It might not always feel strong, but it is always there”.
This was evident when I arrived at the hospital. Corey was in her chair. I’m used to seeing her fixed gaze. As I greet her I try to break the stare, connect with her visually and hope that she will move her eyes showing some sort of recognition. Prepared for the usual practice, Corey took me off guard. Her eyes greeted me as I rounded the nurse’s station. Her eyes were at midline following my approach. Our roommate’s younger sister came out of our room. Corey broke her gaze to not only look at Kelly, but follow her out the door and across the hall. She then reconnected with me. I was shocked at her clarity and awareness of her surroundings!
Corey was exhausted from her first full day at the gym. It’s amazing, spending just two days without intensive rehab truly affected her. The rest of the evening Corey and I “chatted”. In addition to reading to her from the latest ‘Vegetarian’ Cooking magazine, we also practiced vocalization and ended the evening watching School of Rock (one of Corey’s all time favorite’s)
The lesson learned is that any day could appear to be the worst ever. It could be delegating every obstacle to challenge us but in reality it will only last within that 24 hour period. The one guarantee is life changes from day to day.
Honey, your bright eyes and little smile was evidence that positive change can happen every day! Giving up is easy, accepting change is the difficult part but the rewards often out weight the alternative. Seeing you focus on your surroundings encourages hope that will renew strength in trust, which in turn will refresh our stamina to look forward to tomorrow…a New Day with more hope. Happy dreams, xoxo