We didn’t make it to Bryn Mawr today because of the spring snow fall. It was an extremely hard day. Corey still has a headache/migraine but more painful is her memory loss. She has been asking me, ‘when can we go to our real home’?
Today was a tough day but we managed to complete two workouts and tried using the walker to move about the kitchen. I emailed a few TBI friends including a wise woman who has traveled this road for 15 years. She gave me some survival facts and tips to cope with our current reality.
I am working on finding a TBI psychologist (not as easy as you would think) to work with Corey’s emotional recovery. It is as critical as the physical/cognitive recovery.
During her arguments today I opened a page in WORD and encouraged her to write about each feeling of frustration. It brought tears to my eyes to read what she expressed but I’m incredibly grateful she can type. She uses it to vent but her words do not help heal her pain as she instantly forgets what she wrote the second the sentence hits the page. When I read her words she asks, ‘Why did I write that’? She comes in and out of clarity so quickly I feel as if we are caught in a revolving door and each exit has been blocked off. We can’t catch our breath as we spin from one moment to the next.
Corey asked me who her writing is for. I told her it could be her journal to her self.
C – When was my accident?
M – 2 1/2 years ago
C – I don’t feel like I have a brain injury
M – I know honey
C – I’m a little surprised I haven’t given up before
We sat together quietly, I could tell she was thinking about something.
C – I need help…can we please write to everyone’.
Here is her moment of clarity;
Hi this is Corey. I want you to understand what is going on with me.
I can not wait for this all to be over. The fact that I have to do all of this work is not ok. It’s frustrating that I am not ok. I wish I was all better. I am not feeling good about the way that I am. I wish I was all better and I can not wait for that to come. I don’t remember and I don’t understand why I am not good. That makes me angry.
I wish that I was ok and I wish I was fine but I don’t know when that will happen.
Please please encourage me. That way when it gets hard I will not give up. It’s super hard to keep going when you don’t know how long it will take.
I made it through another day. It was really hard but I know it will get better. I just don’t know when!
Thank you. Please don’t give up on me. Please help me not give up on myself xoxo